I ate three keto pizza crusts and they were...good?

Also: Ranch dressing tries to tell us it's wearing the crown; someone pulled a gun over THAT SANDWICH

We are not going to discuss the merits (few) or negatives (many) of fad diets; I think eating a lot of veggies and a little meat is a good way to get healthy and stay that way — but what do I know, I’m not a medical professional and I’ve never met a plate of chicken wings I didn’t wanna make sweet, passionate love to.

To be fair, though: there’s some evidence that adhering to a ketogenic diet (you know, that diet where you eat very, very few carbs and gobs of butter and cheese and meat) has numerous health benefits and can, counterintuitively, REDUCE your cholesterol. (I know, it makes zero sense to me, too.)

One of the main drawbacks, though, is that, to get the most out of that dietary regimen, you’ve gotta basically eliminate most of the things that make life worth living and keep your carbohydrates down to 20 grams a day.

An average pizza slice contains about 30 grams of carbs.

And I’m pretty sure just reading a blog post about different KitKat flavors counts for, like, at least 45 grams.

Not to mention that many keto recipes rely on dairy and I am magnificently, extravagantly lactose intolerant.

I will never, ever, ever go Keto.

But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least take a look at what’s involved and, if only for a brief moment, dream of bacon, butter, brie and bunless burgers lunches.

Or, if you’re like my friend JB — who’s been sticking to the whole Keto thing for many months — you talk your friend into helping you make keto-friendly pizza crusts.

The first one we tackled — and, frankly, the one with the most appealing texture — contained primarily mozzarella, cream cheese and almond flour. Once baked off and topped with more cheese, turkey pepperoni and ricotta, it was actually pretty good, behaved most like a regular thin wheat crust and one I’d happily eat again if offered (if I had a pile of Lactaid on hand.)

Not the prettiest pie in Christendom, but surprisingly tasty.

Next, we tried the Chicken Crust pizza, which is exactly what it sounds like:

Fans of Chicago deep dish will be familiar with eating a quarter-inch-thick layer of sausage on a pie, which is essentially what this was, except with ground chicken breasts instead of pork, and instead of being a topping, it was the entire crust. If you decide to try this, maybe make sure your layer is a little thinner than ours (which was somewhere between 1/3-1/2 inches) and brush both the pan and the top with olive oil to get some crisping going. Ours came out a little dry and soft, but well seasoned and, after being baked off, it was a surprisingly good base for pesto, parm, shrimp and chicken sausage.

Speaking of deep dish — you probably already know the allure of crispy mozzarella ringing the edge of a pan pizza crust. If you think that’s tasty — consider a whole crust of NOTHING BUT THOSE CRISPY BITS.

Spray your cast-iron skillet with some non-stick cooking spray or brush with oil and then fetch some grated, low-moisture mozzarella — enough to cover the bottom of your skillet in a 1/2” layer — and whatever seasonings you prefer. Sprinkle them on and set the whole mess over medium-high heat, checking underneath with a spatula until the whole thing is dark as the top of a top-notch bowl of French onion soup.

Then flip it, and do the same. Then add your preferred goodies and run it under a preheated broiler for a few minutes until it’s heated through and serve.

Now: are these crusts as good as a long-fermented, crispy-chewy wheat crust made with double-O flour, salt, time, yeast and love? Motherforker, no. But will they do when you’re trying to stick to a nutrition plan that may possibly reduce the effects of seizures in children and temporarily improve blood sugar control in people with Type 2 diabetes? Absolutely.

Just…make sure the Lactaid is on hand. You’re gonna need it.

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Things you should make:


Things you should watch:

  • HRH AB tells you the difference between baking powder and baking soda:

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